It's been about a week since my last post. I've not arted. I've not created. I've not done anything (really) to refresh my soul. I suck right now.
Seriously, I feel anything but awesome & it hurts. Truthfully, I'm kinda ready to sell/donate anything creating related & give up. It's not like I have a burning desire to make things or the inspiration to even make a piece of crap doodle. I'm empty.
Really feel like I'm just going through the motions out of habit. Like if I didn't have anyone depending on me, I'd only get up because I don't like sleeping in pee soaked sheets. Plus I like to eat.
Lol, I must not be myself, because the fact that I'm even considering posting any of this is so far off from me. Normally I'd be worrying about the extremely far off chance that a family member will read this & freak out, then notify other family members who would also freak out. "Pee soaked sheets" is not something I would normally say to anyone other than my innermost circle of peeps.
I guess I'm just trying to find a way through whatever this is I'm trying to get through. On my own, but not on my own. I have a small group of pals that know pretty much everything. We call ourselves "The Boob Crew", because that's how we roll. We tell each other shit.
We share our (mostly)uncensored lives with each other & have been since high school. And despite the fact that we are all in different states (Florida, Texas, Illinois & Idaho to be exact), we support each other unconditionally. It is a group that keeps me grounded in "reality". It is my lifeline. I owe these gals a ton.
But even though I have my crew, I'm still doing this alone. Because no one can fix me but me. Because even if I do ask for help, I have to be able to handle it. I have to be able to deal with whatever stigma (from certain key figures in my personal life) that attaches to this, whatever it is.
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If you've never read my blog before, you should know that I frequently lose my train of thought. Then all the passengers have to walk to their destinations, the hunt for the cars takes forever & even when I find most of them the caboose still hides in a cave somewhere until it craves a chocolate milkshake.
It's chaos & then I'm completely at a loss with not even a hint of a clue as to what my original point was. As is the case right now, in case you hadn't already guessed.
Anyway, I'm still here. Still trying to figure this out. Still forcing myself to function every day, even when all I want is my blankie that my grandmother's dog stole from me back in the '80s & buried somewhere on their ranch. (Yes, this is the scenario I have crafted in my mind over the years, because there simply is no other possible explanation; aliens would have taken me with the blankie so I could demonstrate its magical powers to them.)
I do have a new yummy smelling bar of soap (Wild Berry) from Portugal that I intend to shave into itty bitty soapy bits. Soon. Maybe. Hopefully. Yeah, soon.
I hope that those two, maybe three of you who read this realize that I am alright. Really, I'm going through a really rough (for me) patch right now & even though it might seem like nothing but despair at times, I know that it will get better. And that it is okay for even the most positive person in the universe to feel a little (or a lot) negative every once in awhile.
Recognizing you have a problem (not cawfee though, cawfee is a solution) is the first step toward solving it. Right?
So until whenever the next time, be nice to each other. Be loving & know that you are loved in return.
Aloha hugs my darlings,
-Clare
Really feel like I'm just going through the motions out of habit. Like if I didn't have anyone depending on me, I'd only get up because I don't like sleeping in pee soaked sheets. Plus I like to eat.
Lol, I must not be myself, because the fact that I'm even considering posting any of this is so far off from me. Normally I'd be worrying about the extremely far off chance that a family member will read this & freak out, then notify other family members who would also freak out. "Pee soaked sheets" is not something I would normally say to anyone other than my innermost circle of peeps.
I guess I'm just trying to find a way through whatever this is I'm trying to get through. On my own, but not on my own. I have a small group of pals that know pretty much everything. We call ourselves "The Boob Crew", because that's how we roll. We tell each other shit.
We share our (mostly)uncensored lives with each other & have been since high school. And despite the fact that we are all in different states (Florida, Texas, Illinois & Idaho to be exact), we support each other unconditionally. It is a group that keeps me grounded in "reality". It is my lifeline. I owe these gals a ton.
But even though I have my crew, I'm still doing this alone. Because no one can fix me but me. Because even if I do ask for help, I have to be able to handle it. I have to be able to deal with whatever stigma (from certain key figures in my personal life) that attaches to this, whatever it is.
**************************************************************************************************
If you've never read my blog before, you should know that I frequently lose my train of thought. Then all the passengers have to walk to their destinations, the hunt for the cars takes forever & even when I find most of them the caboose still hides in a cave somewhere until it craves a chocolate milkshake.
It's chaos & then I'm completely at a loss with not even a hint of a clue as to what my original point was. As is the case right now, in case you hadn't already guessed.
Anyway, I'm still here. Still trying to figure this out. Still forcing myself to function every day, even when all I want is my blankie that my grandmother's dog stole from me back in the '80s & buried somewhere on their ranch. (Yes, this is the scenario I have crafted in my mind over the years, because there simply is no other possible explanation; aliens would have taken me with the blankie so I could demonstrate its magical powers to them.)
I do have a new yummy smelling bar of soap (Wild Berry) from Portugal that I intend to shave into itty bitty soapy bits. Soon. Maybe. Hopefully. Yeah, soon.
I hope that those two, maybe three of you who read this realize that I am alright. Really, I'm going through a really rough (for me) patch right now & even though it might seem like nothing but despair at times, I know that it will get better. And that it is okay for even the most positive person in the universe to feel a little (or a lot) negative every once in awhile.
Recognizing you have a problem (not cawfee though, cawfee is a solution) is the first step toward solving it. Right?
So until whenever the next time, be nice to each other. Be loving & know that you are loved in return.
Aloha hugs my darlings,
-Clare
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