You see, I've been fighting a bit of depression due to circumstances beyond my control for a few months now. Not being able to create has not helped, although there are many times when I feel that I cannot create because I'm mildly depressed. It's that horrible 'Catch 22' scenario where everything is tied together & breaking the cycle is the hardest part/trickiest thing to figure out.
So, even though I've been doing the functional things (which I'm only doing because other people depend on me), I'm just not 100% me. I feel like I've lost me & the path to find me is covered in just about every anti-creating obstacle imaginable. And I've been wary about talking to people about this, because
1) they are all going through their own stuff, 2) I feel like they won't want to come to me for help if they know what I'm going through, 3) I don't feel like I'd have the support I need, not that I know what that is & 4) None of the people I'm closest to deserve to have my whining self-pity issues dumped on them.
Yes, I feel like I'm just being a whiny little brat who doesn't want to eat her vegetables & is throwing a fit. Why you ask? Honestly, I've been accused of overreacting & being overdramatic (by "relatives" who have never really known me) for most of my adult life. I've been judged more harshly by "family" members than acquaintances who hate me & it's made me paranoid. I've been made to feel that if I ask for help, it means I'm a failure. Which sucks, because I'm clearly a failure in their eyes already for not following the paths they thought I should for myself & my boys.
It's a messed up tangle of emotions & psychological crap that whether real or imagined, have got me feeling vulnerable & defeated. And negative, which believe it or don't actually hurts me to be too often. I'm a relatively positive chick by nature, so the negative feelings really do me in when they linger.
Anyway, that's what's me. I'm still here, still trying to take it day by day, moment by moment. I've been spending more time on Twitter, reconnecting with old friends & finding new ones (mostly through following the 'Supernatural' fandom & all of it's incredible affiliates).
I'm trying to force myself to crawl back to me again. Planning to try creating a few new Mandalas & hopefully create a postcard for TAE 2017 that will appeal enough to someone who'll buy it (as far as I know the last two years' cards never sold).
Hopefully soon I'll be able to find a bit more balance. Hopefully soon I'll be able to create again. Hopefully writing this post will be the start.
Until then my loves, I'll keep trying every day & wishing you love, bubbles & much joy.